The revolutionary act of self-loving: Pt1

Self-love is probably one of the biggest topics of my life and it touches almost every aspect - our relationships, society, and culture. It’s as mundane as it is sacred. Loving yourself is a radical act because we are shaped by society not to.

I’ve been on this journey for the last 15 years. And I’m happy to say—I got there. Almost everything I believed about myself changed along the way. As a result of this journey, my focus has shifted from healing and fixing myself to self-liberation.

The Social Conditioning That Keeps Us From Self-Love

When we are born, we are group animals. We depend on our caregivers and social circles for survival. Even as self-sufficient adults, we still rely on society for our basic needs. Evolutionarily, fitting in and belonging are crucial for sustaining our lives.

This means that, as we grow up, we constantly learn to adjust to certain norms. Unfortunately, more often than not, these norms are crippling to our sense of self. We learn we shouldn’t be a certain way, men have to be strong, women have to be pleasant, and if you work hard enough them maybe, just maybe you will become “somebody”.

We grow up as what I call “Frankenstein bonsai”—constantly pruned and bent to fit into society. And so, a split occurs. We become alienated from our true selves. We are born with infinite potential, but somewhere along the way, we become limited, faulty, broken even.

And then, while being told we are imperfect, we are sold a made-up image of perfection.

The perfect family.In perfect linen outfits.Two kids, one labrador, one golden Rolex.Strolling on the beach in effortless harmony.

Of course, nobody tells us that those images are photoshopped to perfection. And beyond that—is that even what we want?

Do we even know what we want?

It’s a manufactured ideal of happiness that most people will never reach. Instead, many of us are barely managing basic necessities, navigating complex relationships, and grinding for more hours than we can count.

We are exhausted, imperfect, and failing.So who would love that?

Productivity & The "Not Enough" Syndrome

Now, let’s throw some capitalism into the mix.

We start measuring our worth by how much we do and achieve. We believe that being lazy is bad so we work ourselves into the ground. I know it because I’ve been there. I was so good at being productive in my high level corporate job… that I completely burned myself out.

In all this madness of always producing, doing, achieving, we rarely pause.We rarely ask ourselves:

• Who am I?

• What do I need?

• What does a happy life mean to me?

  
  

So, what does this have to do with self-love?

Because this means that the only reason we don’t love ourselves is that we are being measured against arbitrary, unrealistic standards that we can never fully meet.

And for what?

I know this sounds radical, but this is exactly where my 15-year journey has led me. Would my past self—who once felt completely broken—believe my words today? Probably not. And yet, here I am.

Of course, this is all easier said than done.

The Nervous System & Why We "Un-Love" Ourselves

What we can’t ignore in this conversation is the role of the nervous system.

At a subconscious level, our survival in the group depends on us fitting in. And whenever we talk about survival, we have to talk about stress and the activation of the nervous system.

The underlying problem?At its core, self-rejection is rooted in fear.

Trying to keep up with society’s demands keeps us stuck in chronic stress cycles. This makes it nearly impossible to break free from shame, guilt, or self-criticism. Add a dash of trauma to that, and we’ve got a recipe for disaster.

According to polyvagal theory, a dysregulated nervous system robs us of our capacity to feel connection, pleasure, and joy. And when we can’t feel connection, pleasure, or joy… It’s a very lonely world to live in.

Self-Love: More Than Bubble Baths

Understanding this context gives us a deeper way to approach self-love.

It’s not just about bubble baths and affirmations (though they have their place).It’s about changing how we relate to the world.It’s about reconnecting with our deeper selves.It’s about rediscovering joy and pleasure.

So… how exactly do we do this?

I’ll dive into that in Part 2—because this topic deserves a post of its own.

In the meantime, sending you much love,

Aleksandra x