What comes after we heal trauma?

I find myself in a strange place. I’ve overcome my trauma…

How do I know? Because I started to crave peace and groundedness more than I crave intensity and drama. I’m no longer able to accept things I used to accept. After nearly two decades of desperate attempts at healing, always seeking answers, always working on myself, I’m… fixed.

You might expect that I’m basking in the sunset, calm, empowered even, forever happy.... But to be honest, I’m not entirely sure who I am without the trauma. It’s a strange and confusing place to be.

You see, I had an impressive career. I got where I knew I needed to be, only to realise that my entire professional persona, the one I worked so hard to build, was driven by survival. Now that fear no longer fuels me, I just no longer have it in me to overwork myself in the name of corporate success.

It’s frustrating, really.

I could be making good money, earning respect… blah blah blah. The pull of that comfort is so strong but I feel so deeply that if I stay in my old life, I’ll never step into the person I’m meant to be outside of my trauma. I’ll never live in full alignment.

I told my therapist that a part of me wants to sell everything I own and become a wandering monk. She told me that when people overcome trauma, there’s a tendency to jump back into old patterns of chaos. Because that’s what feels familiar. Instead, she said, I need to sit with it.

But I find myself drifting away from my old life, unsure of how to step into the new one. Everything I’ve built so far, the stories I’ve told about myself, no longer fit. In fact, the old ways of being, the striving, the proving, the constant measuring of my worth by what I can do and produce, don’t feel right anymore. I don’t want to be guided by logic anymore.

I want to be guided by the divine force deep within me!

I think my therapist is right. I do need to sit with it, meditate.

Let my new life emerge from the womb of creation. Like a flower slowly blossoming from a seed. Give in to the quiet confidence that tells me everything will be illuminated in time.

I like the idea of beginning my new life with trust.

I’ll let you know how things unfold. But until then… I’ll sit with it.

Let me know if you’re in the same boat.

Aleksandra x